Time Alone

I have been alone for the past two days. Alone for the first time in almost two months. First there was the busyness of getting ready for a two week vacation, then there was the vacation itself. Once home again there was the joy of spending time with Mallory and getting her ready to go back to college.

All these things have been wonderful, but they have left me with no time alone to think. My creative energy has been running on empty. Yesterday I realized why I have been floundering, the voice in my head has been missing. That "voice" fuels my creative fire.

I have been super productive the last two days. I was getting so many things crossed off of my to-do list, but I still wasn't taking time to just be.

Last night I decided to go to one of my favorite places, Lake Michigan. Sand and water are tinder for my soul. I was on the hunt for "numbers", which was the prompt of the day for a photo challenge that I am participating in during the month of August.

When I reached the end of the pier I found my "numbers" in some graffiti. Content to snap a photograph with my iPhone to transform later at home on my iPad, I started to wander back along the boardwalk towards the parking lot.

During this wandering is when it happened, the voice in my head returned. That glorious voice made me do a leap of joy. I was all alone out there, but really I would have jumped even if other people had been around.

That's when I realized this voice in my head, which I have generally taken for granted or wished would go away, is my creative muse. Photography ideas started popping into my head in rapid succession, this story started writing itself, and I felt alive again.

Driving home with all these ideas swirling in my head, I began again the debate I often have with myself. Which passion to pursue? Photography or writing?

Photography: I love the challenge of photography and the learning that goes into the process. I may never hit it "Big" as a photographer, but I would like to at least print some of my own stuff to hang on my walls.

Writing: I love it when the stories effortlessly write themselves, but I must have that voice in my head in order to write. Otherwise I am just an empty vessel.

While reading before bed last night, the answer presented itself. I am reading A Homemade Life: Stories and recipes from my kitchen table by Molly Wizenberg. She was writing about why she blogs, "I write about food and cooking, and in that sense I aim to be informative, but I write about my life some too, since it intersects with food roughly three times a day. I don't think many of us are terribly interested in recipes that have no stories or real-life context. For me, the two are inseparable. One is pale  and boring without the other."

Substituting my photography and exploring for her food and cooking, I had my answer to that nagging question once and for all.

Next time I am feeling uncreative or lose that voice in my head, I know that I must set some time aside to be by myself, head to the beach, and all will be well again.

The Pool of Chaos

When you throw an introvert into a pool of chaos it quickly becomes a life threatening situation.

If a life preserver is not offered to the introvert in a short amount of time, the feeling of drowning begins.

The Life Preserver - is a place far from the edge of the pool. A place that is quiet and filled with only the introvert. The introvert needs this place to see the chaos but not be a part of it. A place where they can observe and process what is going on, so they can figure out where they will best fit into the pool party. 

Drowning - If the life preserver is not offered the feeling of drowning soon begins. The introvert thrashes out trying desperately to keep their head above water, but quickly they become tired, the life drains out of them and a feeling of depression fills them instead. 

One introvert can not save another introvert because they are too busy trying to keep their own head above water.

An extrovert will never understand the feelings of the introvert, as much as, the introvert tries to explain it, or how many times they go to the same pool party. For the extrovert, Life is the pool party.

The only thing that can save the introvert is that life preserver, the place, and time. So they can figure out where they fit in and always, always the introvert needs a purpose.

Give the introvert a job, a purpose, a way to use their gifts and talents and they will be so happy. Resuscitation has occurred.

*After I wrote this story I decided to reread Susan Cain's - Quiet: The Power of the Introvert in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Trying to make some sense of my Introverted Life.

All That is Left is the Roses

classy, a photo by jennifernish on Flickr.

 We have lived in our current house for almost 10 years now, and many days of those 10 years have been spent walking with Riley and Scout through our neighborhood.

I have seen many changes to the neighborhood over these past 10 years. Mainly in the form of houses being bought and sold. Younger families moving in and older couples moving out, needing a smaller place with less yard.

There have also been the cases where the moving truck comes but only half of the house's possessions leave. A sad reminder that vows pledged to spend a lifetime together didn't go as planned.

There are also two houses that I know of where only one spouse remains but for a different reason, a reason of great sadness. The lifetime that they envisioned together cut short by a ravaging disease.

The two houses that I thought about most this morning on our walk have experienced the ultimate loss, the loss of it's sole surviving occupant.

The first house was owned by an elderly lady, who was easily in her 80's when we moved here. She only lived in the house in the summer. I am assuming spending the colder months in a warmer climate.

Buick, a photo by cdine on Flickr

I remember she would come roaring out of her driveway in her monstrous Buick, making me extremely cautious as I approached her house. In the Winter when I walked past I could see through the thin sheer curtains the mannequin she had sitting on the couch. As the Winter wore on the mannequin's head would tilt closer and closer to her shoulder. Anyone just causally passing by would think the dear lady had passed on and was slowly deteriorating.

One Spring there was no roaring Buick but instead a For Sale sign in the front yard, and all her possessions were lined up in the driveway as part of an Estate Sale. Quite quickly the house was sold to the people next door, who tore it down and made the former site of the house a green space and garden. I miss the old gal and her Buick, but most of all, I miss seeing that mannequin in the window every Winter.

It is the second house that got me writing this post in my head as the dogs and I continued our Journey towards home. As we rounded the corner at our half way point in the walk, there they were...his lovingly cared for roses lit beautifully by the early morning sun. In glorious full bloom along his split rail fence. Each Spring he would be out there on his wheeled garden stool, tenderly weeding around each rose bush.

Saskia II (KC-19) a photo by handforged on Flickr

I never exchanged many words with him other than the occasional "hello", "Good Morning" or "it's a beautiful day", so I don't know much about his life other than what I observed. I know that he loved to sail at one point in his life, since there was a beauty of a wooden sailboat that sat in his side yard. I never saw it leave that spot though, so I think he was past his sailing days, but once in a while I would see him on a ladder next to it tinkering away, so I know he still loved his boat, possibly as much as he loved those roses.

I knew things changed the year the ceramic Christmas tree stayed on the table in the front window through all four seasons. Then the sad things happened, a For Sale sign went up on the sailboat, and a For Sale sign went in the front yard. I saw the cars with the out of state license plates emptying the house into a U-Haul truck. 

It took a while for the house to sell, and I am not sure the new owners live there other than in the summer. Thankfully though they have left his roses and have even weeded around them. They still bloom gloriously every summer, an ongoing testimony to the love he put into them. 

Someday we will sell this house and downsize, moving closer to wherever Mallory finally settles. This made me wonder what people will remember about me and our house. I am hoping they will remember the lady who dutifully walked her two golden retrievers through the heat of Summer, the rain of Spring and the cold of Winter. They will remember the house that always had it's garage door open when we were home. They will remember the lady who did still life photography on her front porch, and the year she finally did something with her hideous side garden and made it beautiful.

What will people remember about you and your house? I would love to hear your story.

Not Much to Say...

Ok... that isn't really true. I have lots to say, just no time to say it.

Summer is flying by way too fast. I know for those of you with kids in Elementary School through High School your summer just started, but for those of us with college kids, our summer is half over already.

Mallory leaves for her 5 week Campus Crusade Summer Mission Project trip to Montana in less than two weeks. We leave for our two week road trip to Montana in just over a month. By the time we all get home from Montana, there will be two and a half weeks before we pack Mallory up, take her back to school and move her into her apartment. So time is becoming very precious...

Hence why I have not been writing much here at Becoming a Finisher. I have been focusing my spare time on my photography this summer. I am sure it is because of our road trip. I want to be the best I am capable of so that I can capture some awesome shots on this trip. The scenery promises to be amazing, so I need to bring my A game.

For the moment I seem to have worked through all my heavy, thought provoking problems. I am sure given time that some new ones will find me.

Exercise - I am still working out with my personal trainer, Maribeth once a week. I am also still taking the High Intensity Interval Training class on Thursday nights. I dropped yoga for the summer, just to free up a day. I have started on the chin-up bar in the last couple of weeks, I am up to 5 shaky ones. Goal is to get to 7 strong ones.

Weight - Is in the maintenance mode, mainly I am gaining muscle, as we continue to concentrate on my upper body strength.

Self-Portraits - I haven't had much spare time to work on these this summer, and to be honest no burning desire to work on them right now. I did convince Mallory to take a new profile picture of me this week. It is current - the current season, the current hair style and length, although...new glasses are coming next week.

Food - Meals continue to be hit or miss around here. I am mainly sticking to things that can be heated up quickly and fast meals. Although, Mallory did make a delicious, healthy Strawberry-Rhubarb Crisp the other night. Get the recipe here.

Yes, the ice cream may diminish the healthy qualities a wee little bit, but it is so yummy!

I'm a Glasses Kind of Girl

I wanted them to work...

Okay maybe I was only kind of hopeful they would work. But I did give them a try and much to my disappointment or delight they just aren't for me.

I spent last Wednesday morning in a one-on-one contact session, learning how to put them in and take them out, as well as, general care. It only took me ten minutes and I had the whole in and out routine under control.

I have worn contacts before, but that was back in high school, so almost 30 years ago. Back then you had very few choices, basically there was hard or soft. One pair lasted you for a whole year, hopefully.

Today there is daily wear, two week wear and more.

I tried the daily wear last week Wednesday. I was not impressed with those. They don't make the prescription I need for my right eye, so everything was a bit fuzzy in that eye. There was also a weird gapping on the sides in my peripheral vision. I couldn't wait to get home and take those out.

Today I tried the two week wear ones. They fit better and the prescription was correct for both eyes, but my close up vision was not so good (normally it is fine). I had to don my husband's readers to write my check out for church. So what am I gaining here by going to contacts? Nothing!

The really weird thing about wearing contacts for me was that I felt so exposed. I never thought I was hiding behind my glasses, but I guess they are a barrier between me and the world, and I am okay with that.

I have been looking at new frames while all of this has been going on. I have found a couple pair that I really like. I want something a little different from what I have now. When you wear the same thing everyday for two years you like to change it up a bit.

I was almost ready to make my frame decision when the owner of my favorite optical shop dangled a carrot in front of me. He said "I have a lot of new frames coming into the store in the next couple of weeks". I will keep these two options in mind (I do have a favorite) when the new ones come in and see if anything else tempts me. So you might get to see a few more options before the final decision is made.

Standing on the Edge

If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try  ~ Seth Godin

I have been standing on the Edge for a while now. On the Edge of something big, on the Edge of adventure, and on the Edge of Fear.

Last Sunday, I heard the message I have needed to hear for months now about facing the Edge. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I automatically sat up straighter in my chair. Then I started frantically searching for a piece of paper and a pen to take notes. Hoping I hadn't missed anything important while this searching was going on.

I was obviously suppose to be sitting in the congregation that day and not upstairs doing the power point slides, which I do a couple times a month. I will admit when I am upstairs the sermon may not always have my full attention, but a good book might :)

Here are some key points from that message that caught my attention:

• I have been given certain life experiences, certain life passions, certain gifts, and certain people in my path (especially in the last year) as He has prepared me for this Edge.
• The Edge comes when He connects with us through ordinary events, and through ordinary people as He begins to take us on an Extraordinary Journey.
• Standing on the Edge almost always creates a dance between belief and doubt.

Haven't you had those arguments with yourself in which you say you can't and that Voice inside of you says "Yes, you can"? You say your afraid and the Voice says "It doesn't matter, you have to do it".

What it comes down to is Belief and Trust. Belief in yourself and Trust in God, or whomever your inner voice is.

Here are some things that have me standing on the Edge:

• Hanging around with my friend Jane has brought about some opportunities that I would never have tried by myself.
• Connecting with new people. As an introvert this has always been a challenge for me. Creating new friends via a Facebook Group last year really opened the door for me on this one. I consider some of these women that I have never met, very dear friends.  Now random new people seem to be popping into my life all the time, and I am loving it.
• Starting a new series on my other blog, PaisleyRainBoots, called Passionate People. This series will be about interviewing and photographing people and the things that they are passionate about. A big step out of my comfort zone, but something I am feeling very passionate about doing. The first one in the series will be posted sometime this week.
• Contemplating going to this photography workshop in Houston in November. BIG STEP! But if I don't continue to push myself I will never grow into who I am suppose to be.

I have been standing on the Edge for a while now, afraid to take that next step wherever it might lead. The time is now to Believe and Trust and step off the Edge.

How about you? Are you standing on the Edge?

Being a Mom

Happy Mother's Day!

My husband would quite often ask me as our daughter got into the middle school and high school years, why did I continue to wake her up each morning, make her breakfast, and then clean up her breakfast dishes. My reply was always "I don't mind, it's not a big deal".

Well this week she is back home from college for the summer, and once again I am waking her up, making her breakfast, and packing her lunch. She does take care of her breakfast dishes now. As I was doing these things this week I got to thinking about my husband's question again.

Then it dawned on me, the reason that I do these things is because I wish my mom had done these things for me when I was growing up. My mom worked 2nd shift through much of my elementary school years. She would still be in bed in the morning when I had to get up. So I was on my own to get dressed, make my own breakfast, and pack my own lunch. I walked to the bus stop with a neighbor girl and if it was raining or snowing, her mom would drive us to the bus stop.

I have always strived to be different than my mom, maybe a bit to the excess, but I am one who always errs on the side of too much instead of not enough.

I have made a very conscience effort to have the relationship with Mallory that I don't have with my own mother. To be fair to my mom, a lot of it isn't her fault. The only child of a loveless marriage, and the daughter of a hot headed, first generation Italian farmer. My grandpa's motto was work, work and work harder. Leisure activities were unheard of in their family. These factors had a huge effect on her.

I know that my mom loves me and my brother, she just didn't have the best parenting role models to learn how to express that love.

I was fortunate to have some close friends growing up that had wonderful relationships with their moms. So I watched and learned, and tucked all the information away for the day when I was a mom. I knew that I wanted that wonderful kind of relationship with my own daughter.

Today, my daughter is 19 and just finished her sophomore year of college. Even though most of the year she lives 8 hours away, we are still very close. We talk on the phone everyday, and I am almost always the first person she wants to talk to when something exciting or interesting has happened.

I treasure the time we get to spend together when she is home. I know that someday soon I will have to share her with someone else, and I may not be the first person she calls when something exciting happens, but I will probably be the second. I know that we will always be close and that we will still talk almost everyday.

FAVORITE MOTHER/DAUGHTER PHOTOS

FORMAT CHANGE

This week marks a format change for Becoming a Finisher...

I will only be posting weight once a month from now on, since Maribeth informed me this week, that at this point I am only going to gain muscle, not lose much more fat. So the 1/2 lb gain/loss is getting too depressing to post every week.

I am in a nice routine with my exercise, so nothing too new and exciting. If I come across something, I will share it with you all.

Recipes will be hit and miss as we move into the summer season. Everybody seems to be coming and going at different times. The turkey bacon wraps I eat when I am by myself are only exciting once.

I will be focusing more on a story every week (hopefully) since the stories to me are the most important at this point. I plan to continue posting self-portraits as well. Since the weather is finally getting nicer, I hope to have more opportunities to get out and take some.